I have wondered for some time about whether or not I should start this blog. Writing publicly about the challenges I have faced over the past few years seems hugely appealing on the one hand because it is cathartic and I am (deep down) always a performer. On the other hand, it is terrifying because it makes me vulnerable – both personally and professionally.
The motivation for writing this blog comes from my remaking my life. I want to share with you what has worked for me, in the hope that some of it will also work for you. I also want to share with you some of my experiences, in the hope that they will give you at least a sense of solidarity, and at best offer you some solutions for challenges facing you in your own life.
There is, however, trepidation. Fear because inevitably some people will read this and dislike it. Others will read it and dismiss it. Perhaps worse, some others will read it and make judgements – not only about my past but also about my current capabilities.
The biggest fear comes, however, because I will inevitably have to write about depression. The driving force behind my desire to remake my life was depression. Although I have never been clinically diagnosed, I undoubtedly fell into a deep depression over three or four years, culminating in a horrific six or seven months leading into 2014. Psychologically, I was utterly lost. I saw only failure wherever I looked. I was, at times, suicidal and often barely able to sustain myself through a day.
Thanks to those who love me without condition, I was able to climb, slowly, out of the pit. I remain deeply in debt to those who never gave up on me, my parents and most of all my wife – who has depths of strength and devotion that are scarcely believable to me.
Ultimately, however, it had to be me that made the recovery and the journey I have been on since then has been thrilling, empowering, exhilarating and filled with love. I have begun the process of being professionally and personally fulfilled and have rediscovered (or perhaps simply discovered for the first time) the unbridled joy of being with my family.
In exploring my journey and my depression, I hope that everyone who visits here will find something that is for them. I don’t think that what I went through is particularly unusual (although the solipsism of depression can be hard to escape) and I hope that in my exploration of it that you will find you will find something that helps you.